budget truck

drove a budget truck from san diego to LA with a short hood. it deceived me into believing that the back end was tiny too. these days, the first days of travel are heavy too. thoughts of excitement and weight collide. by day two, the reality of distance presses in further. i find myself looking at pictures on my phone or computer, and pretend - like that starry eyed street talker, that we are conversing. i'm not sure what to do with emotions. they determine my motion. my ability to take in and press out - but i'm not sure how valid they are. if a ship has one rudder, i feel they are the result of some whack rogue entrepreneurial scheme to stick another in an unlikely spot - like, on the side. The real one is pushing forward with motion, while the gears of the other, the fear and romance cycle true things in circles. ya hear me? i guess what i'm finding is that my world view seems narrow, when i merge it with the burden i feel from leaving family. it's heavy enough that it starts to guide me, though it lacks progression. and once it sets in, oceans of other things come to. i tried a little to brainwash my soul into sobering realities, but the pendulum of feeling swung back with its nasty seismic wrecking ball. pain isn't something to brush away. the only road around loneliness is through it. i woke up early today to chase something. to lock a bit more into God - to feel the breath of Jesus in all things, with the leading of the Spirit eliciting my trust, because really, things are so damn good. i've seen brilliant things. they sparkle and glitter with newness and they're allure will not fade. this seems horribly weird. the idea that i'm using the internet as a soul confessional, but i don't really care. desperation is like that. any road will do, as long it grounds me into God's rhythm and follows through with a redeemed perspective. i need something caffeinated that's worth while to awake the body and some motion to quicken the soul.

"the slide into pervasive soul corruption begins with the heart (or will) deflecting the mind from God." - d willard.