sanity

i write to stay sane. not to feel normal or comfortable, but to understand truth and emotion in the tonic. there's a tendency to get flowery, to turtle wax romance on a shiny new perspective when things feel good - but those are always the pieces that get chucked when reality shows itself. i've been all over Texas and New Orleans, seen family, been on runs and caught in practicalities, been feeling like i'm not creating a enough, been feeling sorry for myself and then too i've counseled my demeanor back to a meditative discipline of goodness. i got a straight blade shave in an old world barber shop in the french quarter- i don't recognize myself anymore...6 months of dingy black facial hair lying on the ground - my loneliness with it. writing helps me bitch and moan and come to terms with the inevitable and impenetrable goodness that's coloring our existence. i've been away from home now for a long time, and, as you can imagine, the moods are swinging. crazy monkeys on jungle vines, swinging and swinging. i haven't been this desperate in a long time. i see my need for God in everything i feel and do. i'm an addict coming to terms, once again, with my addiction. And, tomorrow, i'll be home. i need more risk in my life, in my faith and in my love. i need to write more and read it aloud to nay-sayers and i need to play bass in front of Victor Wooten and have him rip me a new one.